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Roseanne Lost Episode
Roseanne was a show that originally aired on ABC from 1988 to 1997. It was a show about the “Connor family”, a group of ragtag lower middle class republicans just tryin’ a make their way through the hustle and bustle of every day life. The Connors, and their associated friends and relatives, really made an impact on American television. But I got spooked watching Roseanne one day. Yeah, I’m still spooked. I literally got so scared that I changed all the locks, called the police and there was a man at the window trying to get in the other day, but I didn’t let him in. I wouldn’t call the police either, I think they’re a part of it, I think they’re all part of the secret cabal of lunatics that want to destroy American democracy using “AMERICAN TV PROGRAMMING” As a code word for her razzmatazz saggy pumpkin face and deep depression because it’s Christmas and your fat mom only has garbage bags to lay on the lawn. I initially found the VHS tape outside of ABC studios, in a trash can, covered in garbage, filth, rodents, and even hamburger buns, sesame seeds included. Disgusting. Doesn’t ABC use garbage bags?!! I admit, I was trespassing, but ABC studios is located adjacent to the neighborhood arbies. I was just sitting at Arby’s when I saw the VHS tape sitting there, scrawled in marker. As I picked up, my confusion grew to horror. “THE DAN CONNOR DRYWALL MURDER TAPES.” What was this? Dan Connor did have an industry in drywall on the show, but I never thought… just then I was a security guard! “What are you doin’ you little hagmuffin!” I think that’s what he said. He had donut crumbs in his beard, so it was hard to hear. He threw down the donut and picked up his walther p44 detection kit, calling for backup. Oh, backup came alright. It was john goodman. The actor who portrayed Dan Connor. He was out of breath, sweaty, fat, with dorito chips in his middle aged beard. “Gim gomme that tape!” I don’t know what that meant, but I assumed he wanted the tape. He made a lewd gesture and, having no weapon, lifted a pebble and threw it at my head. The pebble landed square into the sclera of my eye, it was very uncomfortable. I drove away, “You’ll NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!” John Goodman, playing dan connor screamed. It was creepy. He was wearing the clothes from the show, covered in a red sticky substance, blood maybe, but they didn’t even film on this lot. They were supposed to be filming on the other side of the country. What was going on? I went home, picked up the ottoman and placed it beneath my feet. I turned on my outside security system, to see if John Goodman was coming, and thankfully he wasn’t. I covered the windows in black tape and deadbolted the door. No one needed to know about my VHS. “That’s the weird thing about murder. Murdering people is like pringles. Once you pop, you can’t stop.” I got the creeps the moment I picked up the vhs tape. I smelled it, and smelled a smelly smell, like popcorn butter and urine, and dead flesh and salty bones and missing pieces of jigsaw puzzles from the 1980s. The nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks as I heard the Roseanne Tune play. BA DEENNNA DEENNAN DEEANNN DEEEDA DEEDAAA DEAA! DEADEA DEADAA DEADA DED DEEDEAADEAA! What a sassy and rambunctious tune. Dan Connor is seen carrying various human shaped black garbage bags into the living room. “ROSEANNE! WHERE’S THE GODDAMN DUCK TAPE?!” The humor seemed a little off. “HERE YOU GO!” Roseanne is not seen onscreen, but you see a duck fly into the room, holding tape in its mouth. The audience laughed rather loudly. I kept laughing until the duck clearly had red, bloody teeth, incisors. This was a CG duck? No, maybe animatronic, puppeteering. OHHHHH, This was the classical Halloween special. Well, I thought that until the duck actually bit dan Connors face and his eye popped out. He had a glass eye! “No!” he screamed. The audience laughed loudly, and applauded. Dan connor’s hollow hole eye was clearly visible, he looked like a melting wax figure. “Fuck me in my saggy pumpkin face!” He started to strangle the joke, a metaphor for choking the chicken. Dan ran into the other room, crying as a piece of his ear broke off, covered in blood. The audience laughed and the camera zoomed in on the bloody prosthetic ear. They kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing away. This wasn’t that funny! It was more disturbing than funny, the man had just lost an eye and an ear. He needed medical attention. That was until he came back onscreen, carrying another garbage bag. He was…dressed like Fred Flintstone. What in god’s name? Oh ok, it was Halloween, so it made sense. “We goin’ back to the stone ageeee!” He started to sing, and dance around. He did this weird chicken dance. “We’re goin’ back to the stone aggeee!” He kept waving his arms like a raw chicken and then I heard Roseanne’s voice. “Dan, we don’t need windex, our neighbors can’t see us if there’s dust!” There was an audible laugh, a loud one. But roseanne’s voice sounded distance, like a tape recorder. Dan Connor held up a candy bar that clearly said “Goodman” on the wrapper. He opened it up and ate a piece, chewing it slowly. “And be sure to see the flintstones in viva rock vegas June 29th, coming to a theater near YOU!” There was a long pause, nobody laughed. “A THEATER NEAR YOU!” I didn’t feel safe watching this anymore. No man would eat a candy bar named after himself. It was disgusting, gross, bizarre. Then DJ walked in, and I shit you not, he had the head of a dinosaur. “Dad.” DJ fell on the floor and his head literally broke off. “That- That’s DJ!” He yelled. What? Why would he just claim a character is a character. “Dan, you’ve lost your damn mind.” “WELL YOU HAVE DIABETES!” The audience laughed very, very loudly at this dan connor murder conspiracy. There was nothing funny about diabetes, it was a serious illness. “DELEVIHSID!” Dan connor screamed, as he saw something was clawing out of the garbage bag. “TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!” he yelled. He picked up a shovel and bashed, and brutally started bashing, and bashing, and bashing the garbage bag. Tiny bloody chiclets and pieces of what looked like bone gristle were all over the studio this was gross, who was going to clean this up. “We don’t even clean normally, and now you want to put up the blood!” Put up the blood? That was when the camera turned slightly to the right, and “Roseanne, was clearly a tape recorder attached to a robot, a broomstick, and a rotting pumpkin covered in flies. That explained why there were all these flies. “Get out of here Darlene!” John goodman, I’m sorry, I’m not going to call him dan connor anymore. John goodman, picked up a shoe, and threw it at a mannequin on the staircase. It fell down stairs and a scratchy voice said “DARLENE!” It was his voice. He pretended it was Roseanne, but I saw his lips moving. John goodman was just imitating Roseanne now. “Darlene! How’d you get the sassy saysssy dthis sass!” What the fuck was going on. He started putting on roseanne’s clothing and lipstick. He was still wearing the flintstone’s clothing, So he was john goodman playing dan connor playing fred flinstone dressed as a woman. “Oh my!” John goodman started to dance around “WHERE DID I LEAVE MY STRING OF PEARLS!?” He waved his arms around like a frenetic woman Roseannestone and knocked over the dresser, which was in the living room. He knocked it over a little too hard, because you see the dresser break through the freshly wet drywall in the background. Skulls! Human skulls and bones! Inside the connor family wall! The camera zoomed in on the bones, the skulls, freshly minted, some polished, other old, their hollow bone sockets glaring, and glaring, and glaring away. The audience…should have been horrified. But they were laughing! They continued to laugh and even applaud. What happened next really shocked, terrified and confused me something terrible. I mean, I knew something weird was going on here, but what happened next truly frightened me. Dan Connor starts carving a pumpkin and hanging up Halloween decorations. It was too late, he wasn’t fooling anyone. This wasn’t a Halloween episode. Dan Connor picks up a card that clearly says “23andME” on it, and logs onto his dirty, semen covered Hewlett-packard computer with the bubble screen. The connor family never owned a computer. After pausing the tape and doing some research, I found that 23andMe was a genetic laboratory that researched human genetics and cloning. They were paid by NBC and ABC 200,000,000 each in declassified government websites that I found on a message board for stormtroopers of all things. But they looked legit. I was scared, confused, and even horrified, but I continued watching. In the next scene, dan connor’s aged about ten years, his saggy pumpkin face leering like a jack-o-lantern at the audience. You see him place an order on “23andMe”, a deepweb genetic research consultation organization. You see him drywall the wall up, throw out the garbage bags, remove the dinosaur head, use Lysol and various cleaning supplies to remove the blood, take off the flintstone costume on-cam (he is naked for a few minutes) and dress up as a new, clean “dan connor.” You see several faceless prostheticists come in and repair his eyes and other injuries, and then there is a doorbell ring. Dan Connor opens the door. The cast of Roseanne! Those jewel-eyed miscreants! They’re back! “Well, we just got back from vacation!” Roseanne smiled. Her sister Jackie, Darlene, and even both Beckies came in. But this didn’t make sense. I saw them murdered earlier. They were young and beautiful again. De-aged by 20 or 30 years, in fact. And DJ, he was a fetus, the fetus lay on the floor, covered in blood. This was disgusting. “He really does look that much younger!” Roseanne smiled, and the audience…who must have been there for years! They laughed. John goodman smiles and takes a tape recorder out of his pocket and presses play, and you see the camera spin around, revealing row after row of decrepit, cobweb-covered skeletons! They all start laughing, and laughing, and laughing away! Laughing hysterically at the skeletons! “THIS IS QUITE HUMEROUS!” Dan connor laughs, Holding up a bone, the audience laughs, accidentally trips and steps on fetus-DJ, crushing his spinal cord! “BARHFAHRHSHIT!” Roseanne begins to puke and her face begins to melt into a saggy, pumpkin face. Her floating, jack-o-lantern head I could smell it through the tv, the smell of old tuna fish cans and rotting garbage. People who pretended to love you because they wanted your money, vain desires to belong and the fact that time buries everything. The audience kept laughing! A the fuckin’ tuna! Comin out of her fuckin’ face! Then dan falls backward and accidentally knocks the set wall down! Oh right this wasn’t a real house, it was a set. The wall falls down and crushes the entire family to death, you hear them laughing as their bodies are crushed like horse-hoove gelatin! There’s nothing behind the house, just a sterile TV-set they never wanted to show you because they didn’t want to remove the reality. Someone drew fire on the wall and a notecard was placed by a skeletal hand next to the camera that said “The connor family died in a house fire. They are dead. Their dog you never saw on camera is dead. Their friends, family and neighbors are dead. I’m mailing you a shovel next, because you’ve just dug your own grave.” The tape cut, clipped, reversed, popped, the gears grinded and it broke to cheap plastic and polyethylene terephthalate. I knew this wasn’t a Halloween episode. Category:CreepyPasta Article Category:Lost Episodes Category:Creepypastas narrated by DaveTheUseless